Justin: In the Feast of Being Able to. Amen.

Chad Has Pneumonia

Just saying.

Why do I feel like I am about to be ripped off?

This little girl grows up to be a 62 year old fat man.

Lift With Your Legs. Or A Crane.

Sent at 10:41 AM on Friday
me: “May – We get there” is the slogan for our safety awareness month
Ted: haha
hahaha
me: They assigned us all two centers each
Ted: May – With less death!
me: f4jkl;
me: hahaha
ok… so as a nod to the ill-conceived breast cancer tshirt of last year
I redesigned the logo
from
“May – We get there. No one gets hurt.”
to
“May – Pain Suffering Swelling – Love – Dismemberment SUCKS”
Ted: ROFLOL

We Want a Shrubbery! Or two.

I don’t know if Saturday was extraordinary, but it was notable. I left home around 9am to go grab a couple of shrubs and some mulch. I’d be home in an hour or so.

But first, I would drop by Mocha Joe’s for a cup of coffee and a couple of bags of beans. As I walked through the door, John, the owner of Blazin’ Burrito who I befriended last winter right there at Mocha Joe’s, says my name. I step toward the counter and the owner, Kyle greets me. So does Emily, who goes to my church. I look to the side and two other men I only know from Saturdays at Joe’s are there. We speak briefly.

Taking a seat, I visited with John and Andy, both business owners strategizing a plan to raise funds to offset the Southside Band’s loss of $250,000.00 to an apparently crooked travel agent from Hawaii.

An hour and a half later I left with my beans.

I love walking around at Sharum’s when I need a tree or shrub, but I made decent time choosing my two multi-colored Boxwoods. Next, I’d drop by Wal-Mart for my mulch. I was behind schedule now, so it would be a brief stop.

I got a great parking spot, near the mulch outside, I walked over and was looking down at the bags of peat moss when a voice asks what I’m looking for.
“Oh, ground cover, cedar chips probably.”
“Ah, well that’s peat, the chips are down there.”
“Yeah, just wondering how I would ever use this moss.” And I look up and it’s not an employee, it’s Bobby Altes.

An hour later, after talking local and state politics, we part from that spot, I choose my red mulch and depart. I now had a sunburn and I hadn’t even begun my day of yard work.

As I was pulling away, I dialed ahead for burgers from Reed’s drive in, which is about ONE minute from Wal-Mart. Their old fashioned mustard-pickle-onion hamburgers are the best in Fort Smith, with White Spot giving them a good run for their money.

I returned home at 1pm. I pulled 5 dead shrubs, planted my Boxwoods, then decided I needed weed guard and ran down to Yeagers. I returned home and began laying the rubber sheets, only to realize I needed the little pins to hold it down. I went back to Yeagers and got the pins, layed it, pinned it, then dumped 9/12 bags of red mulch.

Whew.

Throughout the day Tasha and her mother were working hard in her yard planting, trimming and painting. At some point between 1pm and 7pm, each and every neighbor that I know on my street walked over to say hello.

Then I picked a stem of my mint for later, cleaned up, then made fresh mint tea. It was awesome.

Then I shaved half of my beard, WHICH LOOKED FREAKY, sent my little brother a picture, then shaved it all, WHICH LOOKS FREAKY. Floyd showed concern for my loss of furr.

It was a day that felt best near it’s end.

True Words

Cupcake. And I Don’t Mean John.

Thanks to Yvette’s daughter for a delicious cupcake this morning. Now my mouth is blue.

Coptrepreneur

My brilliant idea from the weekend was to start an Ice Cream company. All the employees will dress up like law enforcement. Our slogan will be “To Protect and Soft-serve”.

Our signs will say “Our flavors are ARRESTING!”

TV spots will say, “Let us put you behind one of OUR bars!” as chocolate ice cream bars encase the screen.

Flavors will include Handcuff Truffle, Glock Grape, Sig Fig, Three-Nut Spreadem’, Hands Up Buttercup, Don’t Shoot Mixed Fruit, Miranda Banana, Concealed Carry Cherry, Pat Down Dark Brown, Dumb Rookie Cookie, Candy Pink Precinct , Swat Team Sour, Perp Purp, Push em’ from the Railing Praline, Watermelon Felon, Incarceration Sensation, Riggs and Murtaugh’s Marshmellow Madness, and Donut.

Other menu items will include
Cream-filled alternative snack: Cagney and Lacey’s “Hot Cop” Pastry
House Soup will be: Beretta Black Chedda
Sandwiches: The Hot Ham-mer Slammer and The Rodney King Jalapeno Club (‘Your bowels will take a beating’)

A Few Thoughts on Life from My 39th Year

GI socks are awesome for dress-ware. They are comfy and partly wool, so they keep you warm. (Buy large, they shrink).

When you are seated, even at work, there’s no harm in pulling pants above navel.

This is my last year that I could be accepted by a military branch for general service (There’s still entry by direct commission).

Prostate Exam.

The end of the American Era actually MAY come within my lifetime. 7 years ago I argued in a foreign policy class that it would not (I was in the minority).

Welch’s Grape Juice still is just as good to me as it was 30 years ago.

I can still quote Monty Python, though I rarely do.

A hundred years from now, it won’t matter anyway.

Heart Journal

Friday
It’s not every day that a strange yet attractive blonde woman shaves your nipples, but yesterday was one of those days.

I’d felt some strange abnormalities in the chest going on for some months, and so doc decided to hook me up with a 48 hour heart monitor. I have a feeling it is related to my intake of copious amounts of coffee, which I have only consequently begun to curve. We’ll see.

“Sit right here on the table and take off both your shirts.” She moved to stand before me with an electric razor.
“You aren’t gonna need that,” I said looking at the razor.
“Well you just make my job easy,” she said. Then, I think to be polite, she went ahead and used the razor in a couple of spots.
They gave me a journal to record times and events. They will review it as they review the digital recording of my heartbeat.

Now that I’m wired, there were, of course, no significant heart thumping events to speak of that day. Nor yet today. Of course, the car never makes that noise when the mechanic is listening.

Saturday
Went to the Wanamaker gun show in Tulsa today. Simply incredible. It is the largest gun show in the world. Fort Smith gun shows are rockin when they hit 500 tables. This show boasts from 4-5,000 tables.

Sat Evening
After over 48 hours I removed my chest sensors on the ride home. We got back around 5pm, and so of course at 6pm I finally had a good heart thumping.

Some Heart Journal Entries from my 48 hours:
TH 2:26pm Slight Thumping – Attractive women at doctor’s office.
510pm Cuddled with Cat, FYI
736pm Corpse defiled by friend John in Battlefield, slight palpitation.
FR 8:25am Ignored Rule, took illegal shower. Very awkward for me and cat.
1220PM Quick lunch nap.
5:12pm Cuddled with Cat. Can you hear that?
Sat 5:40am Another illegal shower. Had to; road trip.
8:05am Tulsa Gun Show! Increased rate.
8:07am .50 BMG! Increased rate.
8:15am Tactical booth 1 / 50. Increased rate.
8:21am Considered just unplugging this. Will note exit from show.
12:18pm Leaving Show, mark normal pulse here.
Sat 1:48pm PF Chang. Eating things I can’t pronounce. STUFFED.
2:01 STILL STUFFED.
3:45 Removing unit BEFORE we enter Roland, in case we are pulled over. Never give Sequoyah County law enforcement an excuse to ticket, taze or take you down. Probes on nipples may qualify.

Now Taking Orders