Justin: In the Feast of Being Able to. Amen.

Monkey Pickles

Backup generator testing today. All power off and on, phones included. Hooray for laptops. Unfortunately, this does not provide for internet access. What I can do when the power, phones, and internet are off:

1. Read printed brochures designed for cusotmers because it’s nice to know your own product. “It really says that? Well I’ll be.”
2. Rummage through my /humor directory on my laptop. It’s fun watching stupid human tricks you’ve seen a hundred times.
3. Read old grad school writings that should have been a thesis. Lyndon Johnson fascinates me like a train wreck. “You know, if I took out and walked on water across the Potomac, the next day the papers would read ‘President Can’t Swim’.”
4. Watch the commercial/movie/drama they made about us that makes us look like Norad.
5. Write a story.

Once upon a time there was a walrus named Hubert. Hubert was a real noobstick. Hubert was strangely attracted to girl alligators, and longed for the day Obama achieved world peace or Jesus returned so that when the Lions and the Sheep lay side by side, so then would the alligator and the walrus.

One day Hubert decided to take a trip to the zoo, which was a less than brilliant idea. It took about 30 seconds of standing in the ticket line to get inside before he was snatched up by men in Zoo outfits. He was minding his own business, quietly humming “Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places” when they took him from behind. However, when the unmarked van they tossed him into headed away from the zoo, Hubert decided he was a prisoner of something not zoo in nature. And lo, when the van pulled into the Chunky Monkey’s Hand Tossed Refreshment Emporium drive through, he knew something was amiss.

“Gimme 900 pickles and a tot with jelly,” a deep voice from the front seat ordered, before a voice had even offered to help.
“Uh, yea..” came a confused voice from the pregnant gorilla belly-shaped speaker. “Uh, yea.. yea.. can I… uhm.”
“Gimme 900 pickles and a tot with jelly,” the deep voice repeated.
“Well, uhm, can I help you? Yea, help you?”
“Gimme 900 pickles and a tot with jelly,” the deep voice repeated.
“Ok, ma’am, that’s a small scooter dog with mustard and two free-flung frosties. Will there be anything else HOO HOO HAA HAA?”
“I have a walrus,” the deep voiced man blurted out. “Do you like Walruses? If you like walruses you’ll shut up and tell me to PLEASE PULL FORWARD. Tell me to please PULL FORWARD, monkey boy!”
“I’m sorry, sir. My manager just told me our power is about to go out from a lightning strike, and plus, we don’t have pickled scooter dogs. Please pull forward HOO HOO HAA HAA.”

Ok, back to reading printed material.

  • It’s so hard to get good service these days. AFK for tot with jelly.

  • If you were one of my Facebook friends, I would sacrifice you for a free Whopper.

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