Justin: In the Feast of Being Able to. Amen.

Scruffy Looking Nerf Herder

I walk almost every afternoon to the gas station for an icee. It’s close to work and it’s a good leg stretch. Jordan frequently comes along. Sometimes Mike, too.

Jordan and I went. I’m pretty sure I embarrassed him by putting a tube of Aloe and Cucumber Vaseline down on the counter with my Koolee.

“What is that?” He asked.

“It’s Vaseline,” I replied.

“I can see that.”

“My face itches,” I said, pointing to my scruffy new beard stubble.


“Think I’ll smell pretty?”

“Not a chance.”

Even better, though, was the long line getting to the counter. Lady1 and Lady2 at counter should have been at Wal-Mart. Thugs 3 and 4 (second in line) are picking out lottery tickets with enough fervor that Wifebeater5 with Wife6 perk up with curiosity. Says Wifebeater5 to Thug3, “We have a lottery?” Thug4 and Thug3 respond in chorus, “Yea! We do!” Their pants fall down, they pick them up. Wifebeater5 and Thug3 reach over Wife6 for a celebratory knuckle touch. Wifebeater5 responds with utterly gleeful cursings expressed so heartily that I myself almost am moved to pull out a dollar and pee on it.

red-neck-lottery“We have a lottery! We have a lottery! It’s about time and now I don’t have to give all my money to another state!” Wifebeater5 exclaims, then kisses Wife6. Thug3 is moved by this show of lottery love and his scratching speed increases noticeably. Thug4, long finished with his scratching, shifts from foot to foot, leaning in hard on Thug3’s scrathing. Visions of spinning hubcaps dance in his head.

“Wife6,” says Wifebeater5, his heart now in his hands. “…honey, you wont uh couple of scratch awfs?”

Woman2, turning from the counter with her groceries, begins running at the door, the very door to which I am gazing longingly.

Wife6, moved by her man’s unanticipated and likely unprecedented expression of love, blushes and looks down to her feet. Very timidly she replies, “Sure.”

Woman1, chasing Woman2, departs, just as DejectedThug3 and DejectedThug4 accept their fate and also head to exit. With all obstacles gone, it is now the time for lovers.

I watch, sucking down my Koolee like I’m in a theater.

“Two scratch awfs please,” he says, grasping Wife6’s hand, then looking down into her eyes.

I slap Jordan.

“Here you go,” Cashier1 says, sliding the two tickets to love across the counter. The lovers snatch up the tickets and move to the side. As Preggers7 in front of us pays for her Slims, I watch in covetous awe as Wifebeater5 scratches off the two tickets he bought for Wife6. He is not a winner. “Guess you lose,” says Wife6, opening the door for him.

I place my Vaseline on the counter.

  • The fist pound was classic, you just can’t make that stuff up!! “I owe $1000 in child support, but I can waste $4 on a Slim Jim and a lotto ticket!” “Yeah bro, if I win the lotto, maybe I can afford to turn my electricity back on!”

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