Justin: In the Feast of Being Able to. Amen.

What a maroon.

*hack, gasp, cough, shiver*

So I have this vitamin, here. It may be a generic vitamin that I put in a Centrum bottle so I feel better about my place in life, but it’s nevertheless a multivitamin. So with my multivitamin I don’t need a drink, but today I wanted one. So I went out on the patio, passed the Pepsi machine and went to the Coke machine for a Pibb. Now here’s the catch: about 3 or 4 weeks ago “they” put a Red Bull vending machine right next to the Coke machine. Well I’m kinda dumb, but I’m not stupid. I don’t survive on $1.17 an hour by paying $2.00 for drinks outta vending machines. I never was much for Jolt cola back in the day, and no colored cow is gonna sucker me in to parting with $2.

So, I get out my $2 and start feeding it to the machine. I’m ashamed, honestly, and wouldn’t have done it if the halls hadn’t been deserted with the summer languor. But I looked both ways before crossing over the boundaries of what I knew was right. It was a rush, really. Kinda like sin. And DANG it, that shoulda been my first clue. But NOOOOOOOO i had to listen to the devil.

So I feed this stupid lil white machine enough dough to feed a poor village for a week. Now there’s three buttons. THREE buttons. The THREE buttons are all the same: Red Bull. Not Red Bull and Red Bull Light or Red Bull Free or Red Bull One or Red Bull Blue or something, just Red Bull, Red Bull, and Red Bull. OOOOOK. Why does it need buttons? So you feel empowered to extract your purchase when YOU so choose? Maybe some people want to pause after putting their salary in, and mull it over. Just, ok.

So I find myself pondering 3 buttons. Is one better? What if one really IS diet? I lunge at the top one.



And there she is. The smallest little joke of hobbit drink I’ve ever seen. So I pick it up and it’s coated in Kanola Oil. I can barely hang on to it. “Is this normal?” I wonder. Do they lube up the canals of all Red Bull machines? It was sick.

So I go to the workroom sink and detox until I feel satistifed that my lips won’t spackle together after the experience is over.

I pop the top and it’s a stupid tiny hole not made for gulping. Of course, how could you? The drink is like, a half an once or something. The world truly has gone to hell in a handbasket since the days of the 94oz Big Gulp with bulbuous lid. I look down upon this can with disgust.

I move the can towards my lips, and I hear cackles. Somewhere someone in a plush office is mocking me.

I heave.

WHAT IN NAME OF THE LAND DOWN UNDER IS THIS CRAP??? Are we at war with Australia?

I already felt dirty for the fiscal sin, stupid for being a sucker, and gay for being seen in public with a petite can my hand goes all the way around, and NOW I want to slap the nearest Australian. AND OHHH oHHHH, get this! Since I’m likely the only one of my friends older than 14 who is dumb enough to vend a Red Bill, let me read you the can:

RED BULL Energy Drink * Improves performance, especially during times of increased stress or strain * Increases concentration and improves reaction speed * Stimulates the metabolism

Times of increased stress? You mean like when you taste something foul that was supposed to make you happy?

Anyways, it’s been 2 hours since I choked it down… a combination of coolaid and cranberryjuice, and it says i should feel smarted but i feel dumber. I don’t know if I concentrated any more on lunch than usual. I don’t know if my performance has been enhanced or not, and if it has how do i know?

I wish I had just gotten a Pibb and taken my vitamin. Pibbs are 20oz for just 75 cents, and my generic Centrums were 100 for 4 bucks. About 2 drinks and I’m money up. Plus, multi-vitamins have a bunch of vascular goodness in them – about 3 dozen kinds – whereas Red Rum only had 4 kinds. All I’m sayin is, the vitamin people need to learn some packaging tips from the Australians.

Well, I’m back to coffee now, and the world is right. It was an honest mistake on my part, I’ve prayed about it, God is cool with it, and I’ll just work an hour extra tonight.

  • LOL, fall-outta-my-chair-LOL
    LOL, the guy in the office next door is about to call 911 LOL, give me a sedative to calm my laughing hysterics

  • Bravo…it is too bad that you have a real job (well, sorta) and that you can’t entertain us daily. The real questions is this: was it a miracle cure for the knee??? Oh well, I guess I will have to take a woman with me…she would probably cry less anyway!!!

  • You know, Knucklehead, the last time you took me to the mountains of Colorado, you SHOULD have had a woman instead. Being nearly upside down in a ditch 8′ deep with snow, 100 yards from a haunted junkyard with attack dogs might have been romantic in its own right! Yup, uh-hu, hmmmmm, don’t reckun i gawt no reezun to keeel nobody.